1. There should not be a coat hanger attached to the bottom of your scarf... WHILE it's around your neck. Your husband should have told you before you walked into a restaurant. The old prune probably just wanted a good laugh.
2. I look like a Christmas tree in these scrubs; just string lights on me.
3. Puppies are made of everything good in this world with a dash of demon in them when they get in the chew mode. My feet are NOT made of rubber and don't say: "Made in China".
4. What were today's middle schoolers fed as children? Slut-o's? You should not be showing off your cleavage.
5. Puppy/cat poots should be harnessed and used in biological warfare. They're lethal...
6. If you think you're a great singer then never record yourself singing... It'll ruin your delusion.
7. I don't care how much you weigh, but don't complain about how hard it is to lose weight while dipping bread in ranch. Juicy contradiction.
8. My boy radar is broken. It always points me to the needy, overly-attached, druggies. Anyone know a good repair shop?
9. Movies are massages for the brain... Unless they're scary. Then they're acupuncture.
10. People don't know how to door. If there is a handle then there is no reason for you to push on the glass. Maybe I should hand you a glass of water and a rag and tell you to take 15 minutes to clean it off.
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